I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
