Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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