You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
