well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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