I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
