ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She told me I should be a condom model.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
