I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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