peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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