I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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