The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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