It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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