I want to have your abortion
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
