My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
