I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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