if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
