I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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