FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
