two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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