Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
