you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize