Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
