I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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