After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
