the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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