i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
farters have to be the big spoon...
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize