So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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