if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
