please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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