I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
