I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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