I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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