bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
