ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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