I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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