I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
