I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
