Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Randomize
