Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
