if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
