pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
