I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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