What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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