also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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