So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
