note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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