I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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