And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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