Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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