I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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