I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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