You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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