my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
