i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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