how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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