god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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