theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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