FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
