I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
