Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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