My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
