I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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