This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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