Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
