and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
